A Faith-Based Approach to Parenting in a Changing World

Part Four of a Four-part Series

In this series of articles, we have been discussing how to go about raising resilient children who adopt your faith as their own. In this final article, we will delve into the transition from high school to college/work years and adulthood. We will also talk about the incredibly important role grandparents can play at every stage in the life of their grandchild.

So, let’s jump right in! How should a concerned Christian parent go about helping their child navigate the transition from High School through the college-age years and on to adulthood, especially considering all the things that young people face in our current culture? Clearly, things are different than when you and I were their age. Current headlines frequently report the stress that students and young adults face. Anxiety, depression, distress, and suicide attempts continue to stay at alarmingly high levels. Online bullying and comparison with unrealistic expectations from social media and “influencers” continue to haunt many families – another reason that resilience is important. What steps should you take? In the midst of these stressors, we come back to the question of how can you navigate these choppy waters while maintaining a good, close relationship with your child and, hopefully, have your child come through on the other side adopting your beliefs and faith values as his own?

Before answering these questions, let me remind you that we still have the same two goals: 1. Helping your child reach adulthood where he can be a productive member of society, and, 2. Having a good relationship with your adult child. Sadly, I know of many families in which, as the child leaves High School or College, and transitions to the next phase of life where he is capable of supporting himself, he completely shuts out his parents from his life at which point he chooses to do all the things that were prohibited in his parent’s home during his growing-up years. In essence, the parents are estranged from their own child. Certainly, at that point, the parent has no say in whether the young adult adopts the parent’s faith. It’s all up to the child. 

In article three of this four-part series, I mentioned the book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by author, Tedd Tripp. In this book he explains that over time, as your child ages, your authority diminishes. Our goal and desire need to be that over time, our influence will increase.¹ When this occurs, even when you no longer get to make decisions for him, it is possible to still be able to have influence in his life if you take appropriate steps along the way in order to maintain that influence. This is what we want to happen. This is, also, what needs to happen in order to have that close personal relationship with your child.

We need to acknowledge that he is either a young adult or, at a minimum, is on the cusp of “adulthood.” Since this is the case, here are three things you can do to positively affect the relationship and the communication within your relationship. 

1. We need to transition the language we use with him. While it was appropriate, and necessary, to give your younger child direct orders for his own safety such as, 

• “Don’t touch that!” 
• “Be home by 9:00 sharp!” 
• “Put your dirty clothes in the laundry room!” 

it is necessary that you change the tone of your conversation. If you don’t make the transition on your own, your child will, eventually, step in and let you know you need to change the manner in which you speak to him. Recognizing that you have a budding adult on your hands requires different types of communication. If you haven’t already begun to use phrases like the following, now is the time to transition to things such as, 

• “What do you need from me right now?” 
• “Are you wanting feedback from us on this?” 
• “What options have you thought of so far?” 

Sometimes you don’t need to ask a question. You can make a statement instead. For example, you might say, 

• “Tell me more about that.” 
• “It seems like that would have hurt.” 
• “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated.” 

Statements like these can encourage him to open up to you to share more of the details of his life. For the concerned Christian parent, you might consider adding, 

• “Lately, have you looked to see what the Bible has to say about this?” 
• “Let’s pray about this.” 
• “How would you want me to pray for you regarding this situation?” 

2. Another element of communication that has the potential to dramatically affect your relationship with your child is the concept of “blessing.” In the Old Testament, there are instances in which the patriarch would call in his child and pronounce his blessing on him. When you look at these blessings, they have five common elements. 1. A blessing involves appropriate meaningful touch. 2. It involves a spoken or written message. 3. It attaches high value to the child. 4. It pictures a special future for the child. 5. It assures an active, genuine commitment.² 

Certainly, you can begin to do this with your child from infancy, but continuing (or beginning) this practice during their adult years can bring many layers of goodness and satisfaction. You don’t do it in every conversation, by any means. And, you don’t have to include all five elements in one conversation. Simply peppering your conversations with these elements of blessing provide much needed encouragement, reassurance, and support as your young adult sets out on his own. Using these elements of blessing are not only important with your child, but using them can bring great results in other relationships, as well. Lance Witt says in his book, High Impact Teams, “Blessing is all about how you talk to people. . . For minimal investment, there is amazing return. . . “While [Jesus] was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven” (Luke 24:51). The very last words from the lips of Jesus on this planet were words of blessing. . . That’s why Solomon writes, “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Prov. 18:21). Don’t underestimate the power of your words.”³

3. Whether or not your child has launched out on his own, whether or not you have a close relationship with your child, whether or not your child will even communicate with or acknowledge you, the next step is essential. You need to pray. You have the ability to affect change in your child’s life no matter the distance between you and your child, no matter the relationship between you and your child, no matter the struggles faced on any level. Prayer makes a difference. It is your most powerful ally. The Bible says it is a weapon. “The weapons we use in our fight are not made by humans. Rather, they are powerful weapons from God. With them we destroy people’s defenses, that is, their arguments and all their intellectual arrogance that oppose the knowledge of God. We take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ.” (GW)⁴ Prayer can permeate any wall or defense that is set in place. It can form a shield of protection, or a protective barrier, around your child even without his knowledge of it. Of course, it can be beneficial to let your child know you are regularly praying for him. He doesn’t have to acknowledge it or like it, but that cannot squelch the power of prayer. James tells us “ . . . The earnest prayer of a righteous man has great power and wonderful results.” (TLB)⁵ 

In the Old Testament book of Ezekiel, we learn that God actively looked for someone to stand in the gap and pray for the people so that He would not destroy them. (NIV)⁶ Paul actively sought others who would pray for him in the situations he faced.⁷ In Exodus, we read where Moses stood in the gap and interceded for the nation of Israel that God would not destroy them after they had turned away from Him. Again, in the book of Numbers, Moses interceded for Israel after the 10 spies gave a negative report from their mission and turned the camp against trusting the Lord.⁸ In both of these accounts, God changed His plan because of the prayers of one man – Moses. In the New Testament, Jesus tells the story of an ungodly judge who gave a woman justice because of her persistence. In this story, Jesus tells His followers that we should keep on praying and never give up! (GW)⁹ Prayer is your best opportunity to positively affect your child and influence him to be resilient and to adopt your faith as his own. 

Grandparents, this is where you can shine. You (likely) have time that parents don’t always have as they are engulfed by the daily demands of actively parenting children. Your prayers work the same as those noted above for parents. Additionally, you have the benefit of perspective as you have lived longer and see the reality of situations and circumstances that parents haven’t always had the time or experience of seeing. Schedule time each day to pray specifically, intentionally, and desperately for your grandchildren to know God, to love God, and to follow in His ways all the days of their lives. Pray for God to direct you in how best to impact your grandchildren for eternity. 

In his article, The Incredible Importance of Intentional Grandparenting, Larry Fowler discusses how you are called to be a “spiritual influencer” and are “second only to the parents in your potential to impact your grandchildren spiritually.” He and his wife, Diane, became so convicted and convinced of God’s call to intentional grandparenting that they sold their home and moved across the country because of the word, “and.” In Deuteronomy 4:9 we read, “But watch out! Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.” (NLT)¹⁰ This indicates that we are responsible for impacting two generations. Fowler goes on to point out that Psalm 78:5-7 instructs us to think of, not two but, four generations. While Fowler and his wife decided it was right for them to move to be near their grandchildren, that is not a requirement for intentional grandparenting. In addition to praying for them, there are multitudes of ways to “interact” with your grandchildren whether you live nearby or far away. For example:

1. Put them in your budget.
   1. Buy them a new Bible that has special features that corresponds to his new phase of life or special interest.
   2. If you live nearby, you could take him on grandparent/grandchild vacations or outings.
   3. If you live at a distance, plan to visit him, or bring him to visit you.
2. Send Snail Mail letters and packages. Who doesn’t like to receive an unexpected surprise package? Be sure to include something of spiritual value such as a Bible verse that is meaningful to you. 
3. Use the phone to call, text, and video-chat.
4. Remember to include elements of “blessing” (described above in item 2) in your communications with your grandchild. 

As your grandchildren age, you know that their interests change. While a young child may love to listen to you tell or read stories, older children and preteens will likely be engrossed in videos on their phone. You could enter their world by making video messages and sending those messages to your preteen – maybe you share a fond memory of a shared activity. Maybe you send a short video of you talking to them while you are cooking, fishing, or gardening. Or, perhaps, you could send a video of you telling a funny anecdote from when you were the age he is today. As he gets older, maybe he would take a break from his videos to accompany you as you work on a home project, volunteer with a mission project, or help an elderly neighbor nearby. You can give your grandchild experiences that give an added dimension that he doesn’t receive from his parents. 

Additionally, as noted above, you have the opportunity of investing in the life of your grandchild without the daily requirements and endless responsibilities of parenting. No longer are you responsible for waking, feeding, bathing, clothing, entertaining, transporting, providing financially, providing educationally, the list goes on and on. Instead, you can invest your time in caring, planting seeds, watering the seeds, listening, doting, marveling, encouraging, supporting and loving. Psalm 71:17-18 says, “Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.” (NIV)¹¹

Will it always be easy for you, as a grandparent, to be a spiritual influencer? In short, no. Nothing worthwhile is always easy, and there will be obstacles. Whether your grandchild 

• lives far away 
• lives with your estranged former in-law
• lives with parents who have no interest in the things of God

Or whether you have 

• limited funds to work with
• health needs that limit you
• other interests and pastimes that vie for your time

the potential for eternal impact is still there. You can make a difference for eternity and can help your child or grandchild adopt your faith as his own. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone because “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help. . .” (NIV)¹² He is there to guide you on this road with your family. If you have more interest and want to go deeper into any of these subjects, go to our website, https://hopespillsover.org/, where you will find detailed information about training under the Parenting tab. Be sure to check out Guiding Your Child’s Spiritual Journey™, Passageway™, and Transitions.™

1. Shepherding a Child’s Heart, ©1995 by Tedd Tripp
2. The Blessing -Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love & Acceptance, ©2019 by John Trent, Gary Smalley, & Kari Trent Stageberg
3. High Impact Teams, ©2018 by Lance Witt
4. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 All Scripture marked with the designation “GW” is taken from GOD’S WORD®. 
   © 1995, 2003, 2013, 2014, 2019, 2020 by God’s Word to the Nations Mission Society. 
   Used by permission.
5. James 5:16 Scripture quotations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
6. Ezekiel 22:30 Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
7. Romans 15:30; Ephesians 6:19-20 Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
8. Exodus 32:11-14; Numbers 14:11-20 Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
9. Luke 18:1 All Scripture marked with the designation “GW” is taken from GOD’S WORD®. 
   © 1995, 2003, 2013, 2014, 2019, 2020 by God’s Word to the Nations Mission Society. 
   Used by permission.
10. Deuteronomy 4:9 Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Emphasis added.
11. Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
12. Psalm 46:1 Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com