A Faith-Based Approach to Parenting in a Changing World

Part Two of a Four-part Series

The phone on my desk rang, breaking the silence of my office. When I answered, I heard the familiar voice of one of our faithful church members. It was a homeschool mom. She and her husband had been diligent about having their four kids in church consistently. They were guarded and careful about what their children were exposed to on television, in movies, and on the internet. Computer use was supervised and regulated. They were involved in all their children’s activities and homeschooled to control what their kids were learning. If there were sporting activities, they were the coaches. If there was a camping outing or a field trip, they were the chaperones. As homeschool parents, they were a part of a Christian Co-op where they interacted with other Christian families who chose to homeschool their kids. All seemed to be going well; however, one thing eluded their careful planning: they never imagined a child from their Christian homeschool co-op would introduce their preteen to internet pornography. They were completely devastated to learn that not only had their child been exposed, but he had found a way to avoid detection on his dad’s smart phone. That day, the world came crashing in to their carefully guarded home.¹

Clearly, raising a child in a Christian home doesn’t insulate them from the effects of living in the 21st century. We live in a world where life is complicated by a multiplicity of distractions, many of which can lead to undesired outcomes. What is a parent to do who desires to raise a child who internalizes the parent’s faith and values as their own? In the previous article, which was part one of a four-part series on Raising Resilient Children Who Adopt Your Faith as Their Own, our three important take-aways were, as a parent you must:

1. Have a maturing faith of your own.

2. Be intentional about living out your faith on a daily basis.

3. Be approachable and available to your child.²

Additionally, we discussed the importance of resilience in children which is roughly defined as the child’s ability to deal with and adapt to challenging situations, such as bullying, stress, or trauma. It includes maintaining emotional health while dealing with daily setbacks and unexpected struggles. Factors that contribute to resilience in children include, but aren’t limited to, parental support, positive relationships, a sense of control, having hope, and the ability to regulate emotions. 

As promised in the first installation, in this second article, we’re going to go deeper into what it takes to lay the groundwork for your preteens and teens to come to you, as a parent, with issues related to life, death, faith, love, and morality as well as practical ways to be intentional about passing on your faith to the next generation. 

So, let’s dive in. What makes someone “approachable and available?” Generally speaking, it involves two things: communication skills and time with your kids.² Let’s start with communication, which can be divided into two distinct concepts – verbal skills and nonverbal skills. Similarly, verbal skills can be divided into two pieces – what you say and how you say it. Here are some guidelines for what you say:

• Be honest
• Have integrity
• Be clear
• Stay on topic
• Be supportive
• Be respectful
• Show empathy³

Scripture also has helpful instruction for what we say. In the Old Testament in Proverbs 15:1, we read, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”⁴ Likewise, Proverbs 18:13 says, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.”⁴ Hence, the warning in Proverbs 18:2, “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.”⁴ With your child, it is important to remember to seek to understand before launching into a teachable moment.

Wisdom from the New Testament supports the idea of good communication principles. Paul states in 1 Corinthians 14:9, “. . . If you speak to people in words they don’t understand, how will they know what you are saying? You might as well be talking into empty space.”⁴ And he finds agreement in James 1:19, “. . . You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”⁴ These are good principles for any communication strategy, but especially important if you want your child to listen to your message and take it to heart.

Research has shown that “no one else on the planet is better equipped to give this gift (relationship skills) to your child than you. This gift can teach and coach your child to live out the skills needed to have positive, healthy, others-centered, world-changing, face-to-face relationships with others.”⁵ Your child is going to need good communication skills for every relationship they will ever have. You are their role model.³

Similarly, here are some guidelines for how to structure the “how you say it” conversations with your children:

• Consider your words – do they build up (encourage) or tear down? 1 Thessalonians 5:11⁴
• Be an encourager. Words have lasting impact. Ephesians 4:29⁴
• Be aware of the ratio of the number of positive comments vs. the number of negative comments your child hears from you on a daily basis. Research has shown that, generally speaking, for an individual to thrive, the number of positive comments needs to outnumber the negative comments 5:1.⁶
• Do not crush their spirit when providing correction. Remember, you’re trying to build up this little human into a capable, young adult. Don’t tear that down in the process of correcting.
• Eliminate sarcasm. Sarcasm involves communication that depends, for its effect, on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual. Adults use this as humor, at times. While adults usually have the maturity to see the intended message of the speaker, a child’s developmental stage doesn’t always allow them to catch that meaning. Also, the purpose often is to demean or tear down the intended recipient of the comment. This doesn’t match with our desire to build up our child. Furthermore, in communications theory, when verbal and non-verbal messages do not match, individuals almost always believe the non-verbal message. When one employs sarcasm, the verbal and the nonverbal messages do not match. Remember, when communicating with our children, our goal is always for our verbal message and our non-verbal cues to match. It is best to just eliminate sarcasm as a mode of communication with your child.³

When it comes to nonverbal skills, here are a few recommendations to set the stage for good communication:

• Make direct eye contact with your child while speaking with them and listening to them.
• Get on their level. If it’s a preschooler, squat down. If it’s a preteen on the sofa, sit nearby. If it’s a teen lying across their bed, sit on the edge of the bed to be near them rather than towering above them.
• Relax your facial muscles. While you may feel tension due to the content of the conversation (especially in the teen years), remember that you’re attempting to be approachable and available. Relax your face. Muster a caring look or a genuine smile because you remember what it was like being a teen. 
• Remove any barriers between you and your child. If you’re behind a desk, come around to the front of the desk with them. If you were emptying the refrigerator when the conversation begins, close the half-opened door so there is no physical barrier between the two of you.
• Focus fully on your child. Close your phone. Set it aside. Your child is the most important factor in your life. Communicate that to them with your full focus.³

Equally important as your communication is the time you spend with your kids. Everyone is busy. Busyness is not a good reason for your child to think you are unapproachable or unavailable. Make time for them. Schedule time for them in your day. Schedule events, but also, schedule “down time” so you have some unstructured time with them when you’re not hurrying to an event. This is when those important conversations can begin to unfold.³ 

Urgent things always scream for attention. Children don’t always scream for attention. Make them a priority in your life if you want them to make you a priority in theirs when they’re older. The old adage about quality time vs. quantity of time doesn’t hold up if you aren’t with them enough for the relationship to develop and to grow strong at each new stage they enter. Arrange your schedule so that you are with them enough to know them and to be known by them. They cannot and will not trust you with the “big” things if they don’t feel like you care enough to be there in the “smaller” things. If you’re not great at relating intimately with your family, it’s time to learn. It’s too important to neglect. ³

And, finally, what are some practical ways to be intentional about passing on your faith to the next generation?

• Pray with them and for them on a daily basis. Let them hear you asking God for guidance for you and for them.
• Talk about God with them as you go through your day. Let them “peek” into how your relationship with God impacts your daily life.
• Make it normal to talk about what you’re seeing and hearing in various media outlets. Expose them to good Christian music. Christian music can be found in almost any genre. Talk about lyrics of songs you’re hearing. Talk about the content of movies you’re watching and how it aligns, or doesn’t align, with what you believe. Talk about news items that catch their attention. Help them begin to understand how faith impacts choices and decisions in every realm.
• When a problem arises at school (or with friends), pray about it together. Then, talk through options of how to deal with it in a healthy manner that aligns with your faith.
• Make meals a “device-free” zone for all family members, including adults. For comfortable conversation starters see our website, https://hopespillsover.org/. 
• Be intentional about communicating with them what you believe (your faith) and why you believe it. 
• Be authentic. If you’re fake, they’ll see it. They won’t believe what you say. They will believe what you do. (Verbal vs. Nonverbal Communication – see above.) ³

Consistently living this way before your child will bring about positive results. In the New Testament, we have an example of the result of this type of faithfulness and consistency over time. In 2 Timothy 1:5, Paul writes to Timothy, “I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you.”⁴

This evidence that Paul saw in Timothy is what any Christian parent would desire who wants their child to adopt their same beliefs, views, and faith when he is grown and out on his own. As was stated in the first article, your relationship with your child is the key! Do things throughout his lifetime with the ongoing, future relationship in mind. 

So, what about the family mentioned above whose son was introduced to internet pornography despite their best efforts? How should they respond and where do they go from here? We will address this and discuss your child’s transition from childhood and elementary into middle-school, junior high, and high school, and how to navigate those waters in part 3 of Raising Resilient Children Who Adopt Your Faith as Their Own: A Faith-Based Approach to Parenting in a Changing World. 

In the final article of this series, we will delve into the transition from high school to college/work years and adulthood. We will also talk about the incredibly important role grandparents can play at every stage in the life of their grandchild. It’s never too late. Don’t give up. There’s more help coming in the next installment in this series.

ENDNOTES:

1. Details were changed to protect the identity of the individuals involved.

2. Guiding Your Child’s Spiritual Journey-Foundations of a Child’s Faith Copyright © 2004 by Charles Redding 

3. Guiding Your Child’s Spiritual Journey – Relationships of a Child’s Faith Copyright © 2023 by Charles Redding

4. Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

5. The Relationally Intelligent Child Copyright © 2021 by John Trent and Dewey Wilson

6. https://childteencounseling.org/the-power-of-the-magic-5-to-1-ratio-a-positive-parenting-approach